When Insanity Strikes

Friday, December 11, 2009

8:39 PM

I'm sick. Not literally sick. Sick in emotions and feelings! There are so many things bombarding me right now. I feel like I want to cry. But I can’t cause I can help it. I keep on convincing my mind that everything will be okay because that is what I strongly believe. Christmas is fast approaching and it's a good thing. But somehow bad. I don’t know if it's because of Christmas fever or just because of my procrastination and lack of focus. Or maybe, it is because of so much love that causes so much of the thinking and imagination which sometimes consume the time needed for study. No. I'm sure it is not because of it. I've been in love for four years and more! I know my priorities. Anyway, so what pushes me down from studying? Well, this may be an effect of the Christmas season but I know it myself that I still study no matter what. I can’t come to school without knowing anything that is needed to be read or whatever. I think, it is just that this is not my month. And I have to accept it that not everyday is a lucky day. And not always we are on the top. Sometimes we really need to experience failure.

Worries. Those I'm speaking of. He called and we just ended our conversation. And I felt madness suddenly. Sometimes I really don't like his attitude but those that I don’t like about him are still part of him that I love. He can't understand me. I need to explain every single detail of things to him! Because we're totally different person. And I think that is the challenge of love. Sometimes I feel like we’re very alike and compatible and all but sometimes I feel like I do not know him. But one thing for sure is that I love him. For what he is. Sometimes I want him to be like me. To think like I do. That is one thing I do not like about me. But that is me. And he is what he is. The thing is, we are two different persons and the challenge for us is to accept everything about our personalities. That is love, I think.

One thing more! I'm often like this. Speaking like I know everything. That is another thing I don’t like about myself but I can’t help it no more because that is part of me.

I'm sleepy but still thinking of HIM and how mad I am! I am also thinking of what we did lately. In their house and the strolling.. I love it! I love him. The truth is that, I need him in my life. I'm so much attached to him the same as he is so much attached to me already. And sometimes it's hard to distinguish if it is real love or just a need. That is a different story but another worry.

I need him sincerely in my life. I don’t know how to deal with life anymore without him. I need him not just because of the affection and that but also, I need him more importantly because he is my one true friend. :)

I have to eat and sleep. So many things to be done by tomorrow. I CAN DO THIS! I love You Lord!

I'm done eating. This is 20 minutes ago.

I open my laptop again because while I was eating, I saw the ending of "Lovers in Paris" the Filipino one and the quote they said in the last part just got my attention. it was something like.. "Masarap mainlove sa telenovela, pero mas masarap mainlove sa tunay na buhay dahil sa tunay na buhay, walang katapusan. Kahit lumabas na ang credits at nawala na ang mga bida. Dahil ang love sa tunay na buhay ay walang happy ending. Wala itong katapusan at pwedeng magsimula ng paulit-ulit." That is what it says.. I just love the quote. I remember during my bitter days. It was summer of fourth year when WE broke up. I have this favorite quote that reads like that… Maybe you heard this already. "Love doesn't have a happy ending because love doesn't have an ending" the other is "HAPPINESS is a matter of CHOICE". Hahahaha! Yes. It sounds cheesy but it's true because I've proved it. It's really nice to be IN LOVE it's just that, you have to be ready ALWAYS to take the risk to chances of getting hurt. I've been hurt so many times. And I'm sure I've hurt him many times also but not as many as I got hurt!!! But Look! Four years is quite a lifetime. And we are still together facing our indifferences everyday. I guess, it is true love that we have and I just hope that that true love can make us better persons and help us grow as two different individuals. Well, I became matured when I started to love him UNCONDITIONALLY. The way I talk, the way I deal with things, the way I look at life and future were all changed to somehow better perspective. A matured one. Guess that is just one magic of love. It transforms a person. Right?

I HAVE TO SLEEP BECAUSE I NEED TO MEMORIZE THE PHILIPPINES TOMORROW. Literally.